Having kids: The case for and against

I love my kids. I absolutely adore them. It's motherhood that I am not so enamoured with. They don't warn you enough when you are pregnant about the full impact that being a mother will have on your life. When I was pregnant with no.1, I was told about the basics of what to expect, but nothing about the emotional impact. But with great love, comes great responsibility.

It was December 1992, the week before Christmas. Ironic really that I had always vowed to never have a child at Christmas time, as my own birthday is the week after, and there I was due to have a baby 4 days before the big event! It was 2 weeks before my 19th birthday and the day before my first baby was due. I'd been told the week before that the head was down and all systems were go for the imminent birth. That night I prayed, not something that I normally do, but I was terrified of giving birth. As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I knew I did not want to give birth. People thought it was because of my age or that I didn't want the baby, which could not have been further from the truth.

I can't tell you why I didn't want to give birth as I don't know why I felt that way, even now 17 years later. So that night, I prayed that the baby would turn and I would need a caesarean. Because of the time of year, the Dr's called me back in for a check up in case they could induce me so I wouldn't be in over Xmas. It was at that check up that a miracle happened - they baby had turned and was now bum down instead of head down & could not be delivered normally. The dr's were stunned, but I was over the moon - my prayer had been answered! And so, the night before the operation, I had to go in for pre-op checks and although naturally nervous, I was also suprisingly calm. Everything went very well as planned.

Some people say that if you do not give birth, then you do not bond as well with that child. Rubbish. Any woman can carry a child and give birth, but it takes a special kind of woman to be a mum and all that goes with it. I didn't hold my boy until he was 2 days old, but I had alreaady fallen in love with him. But I didn't realise the full strength of that love until a couple of days later. It was Christmas Eve, baby was all tucked up in the little plastic cot things they have in hospitals next to my bed. I was sitting up next to it, leaning over to gently stroke his tiny hand as I watched him sleep. The nurses walked through the wards carol singing and sang Silent Night when they got to my bit of the ward. And then it hit me, this massive wave of complete and unconditional love. I actually felt dizzy from it. It felt like how I imagine driving full speed into a brick wall must feel(but without the pain obviously). I was totally overwhelmed and totally unprepared for it. Why had no-one told me?!

Second time round I was more prepared and also, not scared of giving birth. This time I sailed through pregnancy and baby was born with a lot of pushing, shoving and gas & air. Having done it both ways, I would recommend a caesarean every time! Giving birth is not all it's cracked up to be and certainly made no difference in how I feel about my two boys.

They are teenagers now. I won't lie to you, it's been bloody hard work getting to this point, but it's also been bloody brilliant. I've been struggling lately in coming to terms with the fact that they are getting older and that I'm going to have to let them go and get on with their lives. I've found myself wishing that they were my sweet little babies again. I went from being a kid myself straight into being a mum, so it's all I've known in my adult life.

I can honestly say that I have no regrets. Obviously I do not endorse getting pregnant at 18 as the wisest course of action, but I've been lucky and worked hard at making it turn out alright. I now have two truly amazing young men that I am proud to call sons. They can be complete nightmares and cause me incredible stress (especially kid 1!) but they are also very funny, caring and brilliant people to spend time with. On the days they are being pains, I joke to my friends that do not have kids "urgh, don't have kids, get a cat instead!'. Of course, I don't mean it, well, not everyday!